Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
I forget, are we banging TA’s for grades this semester or not?
Depends on how cute he is
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize
