Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
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