i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Randomize
