She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
Randomize
