why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics
you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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