if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
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We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
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