Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
Randomize
