You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
