i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
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