I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
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