Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
We'll see haha. The cum didn't work...I just chewed the whole thing in a day.
I hope you meant gum...
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
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