I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
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