I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
mondays should just be called national damage control day
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
