Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
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