Swine flu is the new snow day.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Randomize
