Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
why is half of my head shaved?
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
