She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
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I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
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just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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