After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
Randomize
