rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
