Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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