i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
Yeah that stuff was rough. We insisted on wearing our bikinis all down college ave, and at several parties that were not beach themed
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
