Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
i black out too much to be "responsible"
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Randomize
