just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
organizing the empties. That sober.
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
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