so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
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