i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
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