the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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