My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Randomize
