I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Randomize
