You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
He passed out mid-signature
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
Randomize
