Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
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