My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
