Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
Randomize
