the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
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