i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Randomize
