pop tarts are not kleenex
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
Randomize
