haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
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