I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
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