So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
On another note I am sitting in my bed naked, buzzed, and working on a notecard for my 8:00am test tomorrow. I think I need to make better choices.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
Randomize
