note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Randomize
