3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
There was a community pot of Ramen, and if you were in the pool you were either fully clothes or ass naked.
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
Randomize
