Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
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Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
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I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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