Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Randomize
