Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
Randomize
