If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
Randomize
