I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
So I realize somewhere between mildly irritated and outright belligerently pissed is where you are, but as to location, where are you?
Randomize
