i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
can we get nightvision for the apartment?
she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Randomize
