first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
Randomize
