Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
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Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
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That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
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