I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
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