I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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