im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
Randomize
