How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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