I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
send nudes
from the living room?
Randomize
