I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize
