How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
Randomize
