I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
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